


Sir Dave, the Knight of Guy

by cinnamonsnaps



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, Gen, fairytale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 18:13:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonsnaps/pseuds/cinnamonsnaps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story you won't tell your children.<br/>This is the story of Sir Dave, the Knight of Guy.<br/>This is a story about a plague, a cure, a land and a tower, and a man who wasn't a Hero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sir Dave, the Knight of Guy

_"Dave, I'm sleepy." John rolled over in their makeshift pillowfort and gave Dave an expectant look. "Tell me a story."_  
 _He thought for a second, humming. "Ok, but brace yourself because this is going to be as awesome as shit."_  
 _"I'm all buckled in, dude."_  
 _He took a deep breath._

"There was a Knight called Sir Dave of Guy, and he was fucking awesome at everything. He got all the princess bitches and looted every sweet raid in the country.  
The end."

_John gave him an unimpressed look. "Dave. That story sucked."_  
 _"Fine."_  
 _He started again._

"This is a story you won't tell your children.  
This is the story of Sir Dave, the Knight of Guy.  
This is a story about a plague, a cure, a land and a tower, and a man who wasn't a Hero.

And it starts with a visit to the creepy old witch in a deserted valley.

The plague had been long and terrible and the kingdom was desperate. Many of the people were dropping like flies and the king sent his best knight out to find a cure - Sir Dave, the much applauded newly trained knight who had proven his worth in much combat against smaller monsters and demons.  
Dave did not know how to cure plagues, but he did know someone who might be able to - a hag by the name of Rose, who specialised in dark, evil magic, such as the scrying of men's minds, and gaining knowledge that no human should wot of. She was a creepy ass motherfucker but damn was she good at reading the future. And so Sir Dave did visit her."

 _"And Rose said, 'Dave, a plague is coming! Get thee to a nunnery!'_  
 _Dave made an exasperated face at John's interruption._  
 _"Sir Dave said, 'its_ sir _dave actually get it right, wow. i worked my ass off for this title killing dragons and shit'"_  
 _John frowned. "And Rose said 'Dave, do you want to read my new book about homosexual wizards? You make a guest appearance.' And then she laughed and laughed and drank a lot of mead."_  
 _"ANYWAY," Dave said quickly._

"The witch told Sir Dave that unfortunately, she was not the holder of the cure for this particular plague, and that he should quickly concentrate on evacuating a nearby village that had not yet been tarred with the illness's brush.  
Then, he must find the cure, and bring it back to her.  
When he said, "what the fuck am I looking for here rose," she simply smiled, for she had seen in her magykks what it was and where Dave would find it, and what would happen when he did. She had seen it, so it was destined to happen, and of this she was sure.  
She gave him his first companion, a wild weredog from exotic Hellmurder Island, Empress of the Dog-People, Lady Jade. She had a few psychic powers over canine minds, and was generally badass as fuck - even if she was prone to falling asleep during unfortunate intervals.  
Rose did summon her and a quick bond was formed, Jade readily agreeing to find a cure to the plague that would one day threaten her own kingdom.

And so, Rose did bless the warriors and send them on their way, and they went to rescue the village. Armed with a wicked SORD .. .. Sir Dave and Lady Jade did evacuate every one and it was awesome."

_"But not so fast!" interjected John with enthusiasm. "It seems they evacuated the peasants onto the lands of the big scary trolls!" He paused. "A lot of people were eaten."_  
 _Dave stared at him. "You really like collateral damage don't you."_  
 _"Gotta keep it interesting. So Sir Dave of Guy was locked in battle with the leader troll, who is super loud and cranky."_  
 _Dave continued._

"There was a stench of death and armpits, but Sir Dave kept fighting. Jade was sniffing a tree and the surviving villagers weren't even going near that thing, but he kept wielding and slashing at the ravenous trolls. Eventually, using his extraordinary super knight powers, he performed the Legendary Suplex of Saint Strider on the main leader troll. And it hurt like a bitch.

But woah: just as Sir Dave went to deliver the final blow, sword gleaming at the throat of the hideous beast, the troll douche overlord put out a supplicating hand and started talking to him-"

_"- shouting," John corrected him.  
"Right, sorry -"_

"- yelling at him pleadingly.

Quoth the troll, 'WOAH SLOW DOWN THERE ASSHOLE, TROLLS GOTTA EAT TOO. THIS PLAGUE ISN'T JUST AFFECTING PONCYASS KNIGHTS IN STUPID COSTUMES AND DUMB VEGETATIVE HUMANS."  
And Sir Dave saw the troll clans were in trouble as well, even if they were being hella stupid about it. He extended a hand of interspecies friendship and so took a second companion onto the growing team."

_"And they all set off to find a cure leaving the villagers to fend for themselves because fuck I'm not wasting good narrative on side characters."_  
 _John bounced in his seat, causing Dave to grin widely, before excitedly weaving his own plot. "And then Jade has a psychic spasm that told her they could find the cure in the cleft between two plush buttocks! Turns out she couldn't remember the whole thing actually, but either way Sir Dave had a pretty good idea of who to go to."_  
 _Dave looked at John in disgust. "Two plush what. Really. Ok fine...."_

"So the team headed towards Douchetown where they would be sure to find the infamous puppeteer who resided there.

The troll, who was named Karkat, and Jade, argued a lot, but they rescued a couple of princes and princesses without managing to kill themselves or anyone else on the way there."

_John frowned at him. "Princes? Princes don't get rescued, I think."_  
 _"This is my story John I can do what I want."_  
 _"Fine, god, don't have a cow."_  
 _"It comes with the royal gene - if you're in line for the throne, at some point you're gonna be rescued."_  
 _John thought about it, before shrugging. "Proceed."_

"The puppeteer's true name was Sir Dirk and he was a Prince of the Royal Court himself, and had been a beloved and much praised Hero for many years before retiring to a life of luxury in the small town. He was Dave's predecessor, and it was through him that Dave had been trained from knave to squire to knight.

So anyway, there they were at Sir Dirk's door, knocking away like there was a godforsaken horde of zombies chasing after them ( _though there aren't because zombies are fucking stupid_ ), and lo and behold a tonne of weird ass puppets landed on their heads. How surprising.

Dave was fed up with this bullshit, so he called to the puppeteer, "strife me in an honourable duel assbutt," and a deal was made: if Dave lost, he would be humiliated and coated in tar and feathers, a punishment nostalgic of his childhood.  
However, if Dave won, the puppeteer would reveal the cure."

_"How could Sir Dave hope to beat the master?" John said.  
Dave grinned. "He couldn't."_

"So he cheated.  
When he was up on the roof, the selected location of the duel, he made a long speech, rendering his until henceforth useless skill of eloquency into a sneaky weapon.  
It was rambling and extensive and boring, and Sir Dirk soon grew inattentive and weary.  
While he was distracted, Sir Jade crept around the other side-"

_"Lady Jade."_  
 _"Sir Jade."_  
 _"Jade's not a Knight."_  
 _"I just promoted her."_  
 _"Well that's alright then."_

"- and the troll crept around the other, both of them steadily climbing the wooden struts and strong vines that covered the house.  
Just as Sir Dave reached his convoluted and pointless finale, they ambushed the puppeteer and held his arms down to the floor."

_"So noble!"_

"Sir Dave wanders over chill as fuck and holds a sword to the older man's throat. This may be unheroic, but he never claimed to be a hero.  
He just wanted the cure. To save his kingdom.  
But lo! Sir Dirk didn't have the cure.  
He did, however, know where it could be found.  
In the highest tower, on the highest peak of the highest mountain, it was foretold that a great and powerful treasure was kept, potent enough to cure an entire kingdom of any sickness or illness.  
Surely a great many people would die before they completed the arduous trek there and back? Such misfortune was too much of a burden for the trio of adventurers to bear.  
The puppeteer revealed that he also knew where they could find someone to teleport them there.  
'Go to the crazy blind lady in the market,' he intoned, trying to sound like he wasn't at all pissed at his honourable defeat.  
So the team quickly left the house, making their way to the crowded market where sellers hawked their wares in loud voices.  
There, they did discover a small tent, and inside was a blind lady who attempted to lick their eyeballs. She cackled and said she had known they would arrive, and what they wanted, and she would give it to them if they could tell her how many fingers she was holding up. Except she had forgotten she was the only blind person, and simply held up her fingers in front of them.  
"4...1...3" said the trio, and the lady gnashed her teeth and shook her head but kept her promise - as long as they would accept her onto the team. She was not old, but her powers caused her to be outcast, scrounging a living on the faltering tourism market for people who wanted their fortunes read. Her origin was mysterious, and something in her blind eyes was not human, but Sir Dave accepted, and so the third companion was added to the group."

_Dave glanced across at John, to check he hadn't fallen asleep, but was greeted by bright blue eyes watching him expectantly. He blushed without realising it, before continuing._

"She muttered a few eldritch words, and suddenly everyone was in the tower. But that wasn't the final obstacle."

_John squeaked, totally absorbed, all traces of former snark forgotten._

"Trapped in the tower was a huge, white, centuries old spider. She had spun her webs all over the place and it kept sticking to Sir Dave's wicked converse.  
The four adventurers did tremble with fear as she approached, with intent to eat the puny beings up with one snap of her nasty gross mandibles.  
The blind seer did realise her duty was to protect the team while they went on their noble task, which would in turn protect millions, by taking the life of this coldblooded spider. She transformed herself into her true form - a huge, ruby eyed dragon, nearly bigger than the spider herself.

"GO G3T TH3 CUR3 DUMB4SS3S" she yelled, before initiating a momentous fight with the eight eyd arachnid. And the team hurried onwards, but lo! (again)"

_"Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck," John said, biting his nails. Dave paused dramatically._

"There was _someone_ trapped in the webbing.  
Jade and Karkat valiantly offered to cut them out, but Sir Dave trusted them far more than himself to find the thing that would save a kingdom.  
'go get the cure while I rescue this dumpass'"

_"Oh sure, now he's a hero."_

"'take it back to the kingdom without me and claim the glory'  
So they hurried away.  
Dave set to work cutting the webs with his sword, all the while aware of the primal screeches of the dragon and the spider behind him.  
The dumpass turned out to be a humble baker's son called John, who had set out to make himself a hero by finding the cure to the mysterious plague."

_"Geez, what was he doing up there?"_

"The baker's son's life was not a happy one, in his mind - it was lonely and busy, and he rarely had a chance to make friends. So when the mysterious plague started, he saw no problem in running away from home with a borrowed hammer and a loaf of bread to find the cure. He had fought for three years to get to the tower, slaying many beasts and solving many puzzles, and truly making himself into a Hero - until he had been entranced by the spider's wiles. To trap her prey, she would disguise himself as a beautiful woman, and of course John had thought with his dick instead of his head. She had said to him that she was trapped to be freed by true love's first kiss - as if the webs and half digested skeletons everywhere weren't clue enough to her real nature."

_"Maybe he has bad eyes?"_

"John had leant to kiss her just as she discarded her disguise and wrapped him up in silken binds. But she was not an unmerciful spider. She had saved him for last while she hunted down and squirted acidic digestive fluid onto a few other unfortunate fools who'd tried to get in the conventional way of up the secret trapdoor.  
And there he had remained until being rescued one day by one Sir Dave.  
And the two guys were instantly bros of the highest calibre. It was a predestined broship that Rose had predicted from day one in her inky crystal balls, and she did see that it was, indeed, good.

Sir Dave did ascertain that the lowly baker's son was a true Hero, and would need to be protected by the lowly Knight. He trusted Karkat and Jade to find and secure the cure, whatever it was, and grabbed the Hero's hand to lead him out the spider's den.

They entered the main hall to be greeted by a terrible sight."

_John sucked in a gasp, having gradually shuffled close enough to Dave to lean his head on his knee. He looked up owlishly and unblinkingly._

"The enormous spider lay bleeding thick, blue blood from a hole straight through her middle, the dragon crouched over her with one bloody extended claw. She did wail the ancient song of mourning, for she had defeated one of her last few equals on the mortal world."

_"Hooray!" John cheered. Dave shook his head._

"John the Hero did not celebrate. He had fallen in love with the spidergirl, if only for a short while before she tried to kill him. And he had seen that she did not kill for pleasure, but necessity."

_"Poor spidergirl. So misunderstood guardian of the cure," said John, a tad sarcastically._

"John ran across the hallway to her slowly dying body and laid one hand over her hairy spidery forehead as her life slipped away. Sir Dave saw he was being a dumbass and flashstepped over to rescue him (again) from the thrashing feet of the howling dragon. And so the two now deafened guys did reunite with the team, and were teleported by one last burst of energy from the dragon, so huge it caused the tower to crumble like dust behind them. They found themselves back in the house of the wicked witch Rose, who smiled knowingly.  
'So, you have brought me the cure.'  
The troll and the were-dog shook their heads sadly, distraught at failing their friends. They said they had run to the highest room and it had been completely fucking empty."

_"Waste of time everyone is doomed go home." Dave folded his arms and sat back.  
John blinked. "Well shit." That seemed a little anti-climatic, even for Dave's standards._

"But Rose yelled, 'Wait.'  
'Bring the baker's son to me.' So John went over, and she drew some runes about him and stuff. She lit some candles on some skulls and muttered some more spells, and the Baker appeared in a different circle she had drawn.  
And the son and the father did have a joyful reunion together that was admired even by the gods themselves.  
Rose grinned her snarky horseshit eating grin and the son did begin to glow, causing everyone to reach for their swords as he was torn from his father and suspended mid-air.  
They were doing it all wrong.  
The cure was never a thing to find and steal."

_The was a sharp intake of breath from John. He grinned as he worked out what was coming and rolled his eyes, and Dave papped him affectionately round the head._

"The Heir was the cure. The people were sick because the Hero was unhappy."

_"Why was John unhappy?"_

"He'd been alone remember - no friends, and nothing to do but work. The plague had started when he'd finally given himself to sadness, and got worse as he'd become hopelessly trapped in his futile quest.

Sir Dave watched on as this was explained by Rose, using terms like 'geohormonal temperance' and 'psychic-terraform wavelengths'. While the Baker was puzzled but happy to have his son back, Sir Dave had realised the perfect way to prevent it happening again.  
'the obvious solution here is that i just move in with you guys and become johns knight-in-arms and also his best friend'. He vowed to protect John to his last breath, and protect the land too through that act. He would never leave John's side, until bidden by the Hero's hand alone."

_There was a moment of silence while the magic of the moment settled - something that Dave hadn't known was taking place until is dissipated. There's always a moment at the end of a story, when the mind is still lost in the world it created, and Dave realised he had just created an entire world. The knowledge made him feel heady._

_But then, like a wave receding from a beach, reality fell back down on them both, and they were no longer Knights and Heroes, but John and Dave in a slightly stuffy pillowfort. John grinned, and it felt like something heavy had been lifted._

_"We need an official ending, dummy." He poked Dave. "How about, that was a great idea and everyone was all over it and they all got their own houses nearby! Even the troll dude, who was made a Knight as well and was extremely good at it. And the dragon was invited to live with them but she declined because she kept getting urges to burn castles and pillage villages. And they were all a great big happy family of friends forever after?"_

_Dave's thunder was not going to be stolen like that.  
"And they all lived. Happily. Ever. After. The fucking END motherfuckers." He slapped his knee with an air of finality._

_John rolled onto his back and smiled up at Dave. "But you forgot to mention one thing. Sir Dave was a Hero-" you could hear the capital letters slot into place "-as much as John or the troll or Jade or the dragon. He brought back 'the cure', after all."_

_"But he didn't know he did." Dave shook his head. "All he knew he was rescuing was some average dumb chump who didn't deserve to get eaten."_

_He was answered with a typical Egbertian grin and a bumping of shoulders. "Exactly."_

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> this originated in an rp and i was like  
> wait  
> this is actually really good  
> let's share it with the ao3 peeps


End file.
